Two scores of my life, I had been making sacrifices in life.
Everyone around me was living their life as they wished. Not me. I had to bow
to the orders of people around me. My wishes were entombed. My likes, my
wishes, my dreams... no one even cared about it. I was just a puppet. I was the
one always to yield. I had to give up on
my life to make others happy. I had to abandon the ambitions that I had aspired.
All I had got was a NO in capitals for all I had longed for. Learn music? NO...
Learn violin? NO... Learn painting? NO NO NO... Why? Why was I denied of all my
wishes? I still remember searching for a violin teacher, and after finding an
old man of around 60 years ( 60 was very very very old for a 13 year old), when
I asked him to come home and speak to my folks, the commotion they made! Did
they think I would run away with this old guy? And the art teacher near my
home... How I had yearned to get trained in oil painting from him!! But with
his long beard, a long bag and a glowing cigarette stub in between his fingers,
he was also not acceptable. Whatever I had wanted to do was put forward to the
Head Quarters. And the HQ decided if I should do it or not. Even though I was
excellent in Maths, with an immense passion for language, I had wanted to take
up Journalism as my career. But HQ
decided commerce. Not maths, not literature, but commerce.... I didn’t even
apply for commerce. I just reported to the HQ that I didn’t get a seat.
I was not a weak hearted person. There was a rebel inside me
too. But I carefully shoved it down underneath. Words could flow only from my
pen... It always failed to come out from my mouth. My body agreed, my mind
obliged... but my heart exploded. And none saw it. I was living a lie quelling
my dreams. I was like a robot with many hands holding the remote. Why did I let
others dominate me? I am not a person who ever bother what the world will
think of what I do. Still I danced to their tunes. Why? I think it’s a part of
loving people. I had made others happy with my compromises. But I had started
to feel somewhere between self pity and self hatred about myself.
Still I moved on. I can’t say that I hadn’t settled in life.
I did. But again, on the terms and conditions of the people around me. I was
getting fed up. I was feeling frustrated. When people tell you what to do even
after 40 years, when you still have to report to the HQ on each and every happening
of your life, life becomes a suffering. I had to get out from this maze. If I
won’t live now, when will I ever live for myself? When will I ever fulfil my
dreams? It’s true that your body won’t be able to catch up with your mind’s
pace. But it will reach. Slowly but steadily. I am now free from those
domineering clutches. Life begins at 40. And so, I am born again... to live my
life as I want...
