Unveiled Whispers...

“All day I think about it, then at night I say it.

 Where did I come from, and what am I supposed to be doing?

 I have no idea.

 My soul is from elsewhere, I’m sure of that.

 And I intend to end up there.” Rumi

Today when I reminisce, I realise that most people had held me at an arm’s length. Or was it me who was keeping others at bay? I used to have a masked air which made people think twice before talking to me. I knew I didn’t have a friendly appearance. Or had I deliberately made myself unfriendly so that none would come near me? I was a lone wolf and made my face completely bare leaving others to wonder about my thoughts.  I was branded as the one with a big attitude.

But I was not. Actually I was scared. I was always at a loss for words. I didn’t know what and how to talk. My tongue got glued when people came to me. My voice refused to come out from my throat when I opened my mouth. Conversation is an art, and I lacked the skill. My hands would sweat and my throat would become dry. I’d falter and blabber. My voice would vanish. I languished in my own world of unresolved thoughts and memories. I couldn’t cry too. The tears were sealed. How I had longed to weep out the tons of emotions, anger and tensions!! How I had longed to wipe out those little drops when they spill out!!  My pillows were always dry. Those little pearls would rise up from my heart, to get locked behind my closed eyes.

My friends think of me as an outgoing person. But deep inside, I am extremely private.  I keep myself well shielded from the slaps of life. I bridle my emotions. Life became less messy when I became obedient, undemanding and sacrificing, when I cropped the wings of my dreams. But that isn’t living, is it? That’s just an existence.  I wanted to live. I wanted to come out from behind my veil. I wanted push myself back from the edge of self destruction. I wanted to dive into the sea of life and swim along with the tide freely. I want to soothe the fears that plague me. I want to..........................