Loving Whispers.........

I am back from my retreat now… Back from my home. Back to the dry-looking vast desert (as vast as my dreams!)… back to my once mind-numbing chores... back to the daily routine. Coming back after an escape in India is a very big deal for me. I am one of those many who can never look forward to coming back after holidays. It is not that I don’t enjoy spending my private life with my husband and kids. I do. A lot. It is just that when it is over, I am not yet ready to get back to the humdrums.

This time, I am back from the holidays feeling I need a holiday. Usually I am fully recharged by the time I am back. But this time, life has been too hectic. Mind was never still.

The holidays have been a mixture of gains and losses… of do’s and dares. I did something which I had not dared to do for around 25 years of my life. I dared to open the Pandora’s Box which had been tightly sealed for more than two score years of my life. Out jumped greedily the emotions and feelings which would’ve surely made even the most patient one hit the roof. I had controlled my emotions for too long that suddenly, when a small fissure cropped up, they sprang and jumped out too quickly.

I had kind of led a reclusive life… kind of aloof, in my own world of unresolved thoughts and memories. I had had a kind of melancholic disposition, with people around who cared for me, and whom I cared for. But then there was none to be called as a soul mate. There was no thinking alike kind of relationship… just a very functional, mutually beneficial kind of sharing. I used to languish in my own world, stuck to the past. But now everything has changed. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. To give me another chance. Well, heard… rather than saw. Was too eager to see that light, to feel it, and to cuddle in its warmth. But that remains a dream. The tomorrow never came… Still the light lingered. And lightened even the darkest corner of my life. The black became white. It erased the depressing shadows surrounding me. Tears (though unshed) became smiles. I got away from all the negativity. The light was no more hidden by any screen. The curtain was parted to let in love. Nothing was any more behind the veils.

Now I am out from behind the curtains. I think about the way things might have been if I had come out much earlier. But no regrets. At least now than never. I never believed I would get this far. I can handle it. I am in control of my life now. I’ve been shaken out of my ignorance. The time has come for me to choose. I have been pushed back from the edge of self destruction. The one who has been showing light has extended his strong arms…. And has taken my hands, and set my feet upon the long path of self discovery.