Meandering Whispers....

I woke up in the morning, no.. was woken up on that beautiful lazy Friday morning, by a nudge on my ribs from my darling husband, asking for tea. “Why don’t you make it today, for a change? Let me see how your tea tastes”, I grumbled, with two-tonned eyes. Whining about his fate to make a cup of tea, he went… and I rolled back to my slumber. I had always found that lying down with closed eyes after you wake up in the morning is more recharging. It is very difficult to come out from the warm bed… from the warmth of the blanket. It is at that time that memories come and chitchat with me. They swoosh, they swirl, they curl, they drool and make me spin in their web. And some cling.

I am thinking about my dad now. Yesterday was his death anniversary. It has been 23 long years. No, I am not being sentimental. I am past that stage. There was a time when I used to dream of treading untrodden paths holding his hands. But then one day I woke up to realise that those hands will never be there for me. And I survived without him. Wouldn’t say life was easy. To go somewhere, to decide some things… I had been denied many things in life because he was not there. If dad was alive, you could have… but now, NO… was the sentence that was often repeated.

I was a shy child. Sort of standoffish, aloof... I preferred listening to talking. It had always taken me time and energy to find my place in a group. I never talked. While my intellectual brain ripened, my outdoor life got crushed. I wanted to change. I wanted to be accepted in a crowd. I wanted to catch up what I had missed. And I tried to start talking with great difficulty. I tried to gain some energy from outside. But then I realised that talking will gain you more enemies than your silence. Was I trying to impress people with my words? The more I talked, the less control I had over myself. I started to reveal too much of myself. I was slowly becoming a prisoner of my secrets. My silence was a comfort to many. Somewhere along the way I felt that people were getting uncomfortable with my words.

When I overcame my shyness, I became more assertive. I am straightforward. And people found me bold. I have a mentor... a wise, patient, wonderful person who tells me that I am simply beautiful (which I know sounds creepy, still I believe him). He points out my best side which makes me very much proud of myself. The tint of depression which was peeking out in my life has completely disappeared. My world has its own taste, its own fragrance, its own light. The happiness I enjoy now is a song in itself. And I am not going to stop feeling this till my road ends.. or till there is nowhere else to go…………………….