I am back on board. Had been roaming around with my
new found freedom and confidence. There was no looking back. But suddenly, I felt
a tug. Something was wrenching me backwards. Should I go back? Or should I keep
on moving forward? The fire in my belly was too much...
I have been trying
to conquer all my fears in the last few years of my life. I had been labelled by my family as someone who was
afraid of no one. Yes, true. I have never been scared of any human being. And
that had earned me the nickname, The Rock-Hearted. But deep in my mind, I had
unrevealed fears. Fears which I had never let anyone see. Fears which I took
great pains to camouflage under a thick wrap.
The first time I knew what real fear was when I was
just 10 years old. I had been getting slowly imported to the alluring world of
books. I had begun to live in my own fantasy world of 'Chandamama'. My palace was at times under
the sea or above the clouds. My handsome
prince used to come either on a white horse or riding a chariot. I was enveloped
by fairies and wizards. Even the littlest wish was executed. Life was
beautiful. And so were the people around me. It was then that I got hold of an
abridged version of Bram Stoker's
'Dracula'. I was totally mesmerised by the Count, I strolled in the Carpathian
mountains, I shifted my home to Transylvania.
I was in a trance. Leafing through until the last page, everything was
enchanting till night. Living in a house near a railway track, the blaring yell
of a passing train made me jump from my sleep. When I opened my eyes, all I could
see were some moving silhouettes outside the window. The curtains were dancing
furiously as though somebody was venting all of his anger on it. I was sleeping
near my grandma. I couldn't lift a finger to call her. My body became
completely numb. My hands were frozen, and I was sweating profusely. I tried to
open my mouth, but my lips were glued tightly. I was shivering like a leaf in a
storm. I couldn't sleep. I was not able to close my eyes, nor was I able to
look outside the window. That terrible night!!!.... But for the next night, I
was ready. I filched my mother's hairpins, and
checked with my pencil box's magnet that it was made of iron. I took two each and made crosses. I
made crosses with a broom stick too, and placed it all under my pillow. Yes, I
was all set to confront my dracula. Iron and cross.. Now nothing could harm me.
I slept peacefully that night. But the commotion made by my staunch
conservative Hindu grandma after seeing those many crosses under the
pillow.......................
I had this fear of standing in a crowd. A crowd always
made me panic. I used to be really uncomfortable. I was not sure what to talk
to others. I felt that people were judging me... felt that they were looking at
my round face, round nose, round body.. I thought that they were criticising my
appearance. I was scared to talk to a crowd. I became self-conscious. Slowly I
retreated to myself. I made my own cocoon and was comfortable inside the shield.
I was happy with myself. I used to curl up in my swing cot with a book in my
hand. I never bothered to come down and meet visitors at home. Even to
relatives I became a stranger. Because of this fear, I was not ready to do
things that I loved to do. What if people will gather and look at me with those
criticising eyes? Little did I know that those so called people had so much
other things to do than waste their time on criticising me. But I wasted my
childhood with this fear in mind. I knew I should change. I knew I should come
out. And I did.. after a very long time... I had to have a long fight with
myself to get rid of this affliction.
Water was another thing which gave me a cold feet. As
a child, I was lovingly offered swimming lessons from two of my sweet aunts..
one from my mom's side, and one from my dad's side. And both of them literally
put me inside the pond. That was it.. Water and me became lifelong enemies. We
couldnt bear to see each other face to face. I was scared even to stand under
the shower. The water from the shower directly on my face suffocated me. Only
rains could soothe me. Those little droplets cooled my inner fire. It was then
I got a friend from Iran..
a swimming coach. We made a deal. I should teach her English and she would teach
me how to swim. Thus, one fine morning, while having breakfast, I announced to
my family my decision of joining a swimming class. I saw my husband choking his
food. But diplomatically he kept quiet. He knew the consequences. But my kids
couldnt control themselves. "Amma, you are forty!!!" My little one
spurted out. If looks could kill someone, mine would have killed him then.
"So what???" I asked him carelessly. "Life begins at
forty.." "But you will have only ten more years................"
I pretended not to see the nudge my husband gave him under the table. I could
already feel my confidence starting to drain. "Are you going to wear the
proper swimming costume?" was his next worry. "I'm thinking if I
should buy a single piece or double piece" was my parting shot. I loved
the expression on my husband's face. It took me three months to get fully
inside the water. My friend could talk in English very well by that time. But
still I hadn't started to float. But slowly, I got it. I could drift on my own.
The feeling was heavenly. I was no more scared of water. And I could really
swim atleast a few laps. That was more than enough for me.
The next thing that made me shiver was driving. Even
though I had my driving license, I was scared to touch the steering. I could
never get the ABC co-ordination into my brain. I used accelerator instead of
clutch and clutch instead of brakes. And to top the cake, there was this gear
changing too... I used to dream of driving on busy roads, but it remained just
a dream. One day, my mom's friend's son, who was then six foot two inches
offered me to teach how to drive without fear. I sat in the driver's seat, and
gripped the steering. He was on the passenger seat, with his long legs
stretched towards my side on the clutch and brake. And we took off... We drove
in and around Thrissur, through all those busy roads, and overtook my
driving master who was having his next batch of students. He proudly showed me
to them.. "See, I taught her driving. How confidently she drives now...
" If ever he found out that only the hands on the steering were mine, and
the rest of the control was being done by my tall friend, he would have got an
immediate cardiac arrest....
And thus, my driving continues. My drive to crush and
trash my apprehensions. My drive to gain more confidence. I know I am braver
than I believe, stronger than I seem, and smarter than I think......................................
Two scores of my life, I had been making sacrifices in life.
Everyone around me was living their life as they wished. Not me. I had to bow
to the orders of people around me. My wishes were entombed. My likes, my
wishes, my dreams... no one even cared about it. I was just a puppet. I was the
one always to yield. I had to give up on
my life to make others happy. I had to abandon the ambitions that I had aspired.
All I had got was a NO in capitals for all I had longed for. Learn music? NO...
Learn violin? NO... Learn painting? NO NO NO... Why? Why was I denied of all my
wishes? I still remember searching for a violin teacher, and after finding an
old man of around 60 years ( 60 was very very very old for a 13 year old), when
I asked him to come home and speak to my folks, the commotion they made! Did
they think I would run away with this old guy? And the art teacher near my
home... How I had yearned to get trained in oil painting from him!! But with
his long beard, a long bag and a glowing cigarette stub in between his fingers,
he was also not acceptable. Whatever I had wanted to do was put forward to the
Head Quarters. And the HQ decided if I should do it or not. Even though I was
excellent in Maths, with an immense passion for language, I had wanted to take
up Journalism as my career. But HQ
decided commerce. Not maths, not literature, but commerce.... I didn’t even
apply for commerce. I just reported to the HQ that I didn’t get a seat.
