Confused Whispers......

I knew that feeling. The eyes that looked at me were filled with hatred. But why??? It was this ‘why’ that had been troubling me for days now. I couldn’t think of any reason. I rewinded each and every detail again and again... still no clue.

I invited my intuition for a chit chat today. We were meeting after a long time. I trust her completely. My instincts have never ever betrayed me. Whenever in doubt, I have stopped seeking answers from outside. I just listen to the whisper of my heart. Whenever I have done something that didn’t feel right, it had always ended up not being right. I have learnt through the hardest way that my heart, my intuition, my instinct... they would ring the warning bells whenever danger is around the corner. But now, I am not getting it as clearly as before. Or am I scared to face the truth? I know this will break me beyond repair. Is that why I am not seeing an answer? Well, I will have to wait and find out. Waiting hurts. Thinking also hurts. But not knowing the answer is the most painful....

 How many of you have been used by others? When they know that you have given your heart to them, they squeeze you till your last drop. When you are totally drained, and when you don’t have anything else to offer, they leave you just like that... And then, total silence. Full stop. Why do people allow themselves to be exploited like this? Well, it is not because they want to. It just happens. That’s the way of the heart.

Deep inside me, there is a darker side. The one which no one is aware of. The one you know, is of course, me. But my other half? There are many who say that I don’t have a heart… that I don’t have any feelings. Most think of me as insensitive. My dearest friend always says that I have a closed face… emotions can’t be read from my face. Is it because I don’t feel anything at all? Is it because there is a void in my heart? No… my heart is not empty. It pains me to see that people think I can’t love. It hurts me when they say I can’t feel. The very close relatives, and my own parents, were at a loss when they came to read my mind.  Why can’t I express myself? Why can’t I say openly what my feelings are? Why can’t I open my heart to my dear and near ones?

My thoughts are cluttered. They pour out without any order. My lips smile. My eyes try to. But my heart bleeds. It might take days. But I will recover. I have to fix my wounds. I have to line up my thoughts. After all, the path ahead is long and curved................

Kailash whispers.....

“At the centre of the earth, there stands a great mountain,

Lord of snows, majestic, rooted in the sea,

Its summit wreathed in clouds,

A measuring rod for all creation”

Kailas......... A hike to the centre of the world. Where mortals merge with nature. A place where we can disburden ourselves. A place from where we can heap ourselves up with bliss.

After reading and re-reading many books on Kailash, reaching there became a dream. All the odds were against me. Over weight, blood pressure, weak legs, lack of exercise... How will I go there? High altitudes, sub zero temperature, lots of walking, potatoes all through.. Everything was discouraging. Me, who used to puff and pant while climbing even three-four steps.... Me, who used to snuggle in the living room sofa when my husband switched on the a/c... Me, who couldn’t walk even ten steps without gasping...Me, who had felt like puking at the first bite and smell of a potato piece.... That Me wanted to go to Kailash! Nears and dears scoffed at my dream. “It’s not for you...” they all sang in the same note. And I knew they were right.

But when your heart sings, you would surely dance. Thoughts of Kailash haunted me day and night. Talking to people who had gone to any parts of Himalayas became an obsession. My mind travelled to and fro many times. My heart wandered through the peaks and valleys. I knew for sure that I must go. I wanted to melt in its voluminous folds. I started my first step.. I began to walk. I walked in the morning, at noon, in the evening. Regardless of time and place, I walked. And wherever I saw stairs, I started climbing it too. I wanted to reduce at least 25 kilos to fulfil my dream. But I could reduce only 20. Still, that was something. The lost fat came back inside me as a mass of confidence. I was all set. And I went, and came back without any damage.. regardless of my blood pressure, regardless of my aversion to potatoes, regardless of the tremors of cold. And if I could go, each and every one of you can surely go...

A journey to Kailas is not for those who have a weak heart. A journey to Kailas is not for those who are hygiene maniacs. A journey to Kailas is not for those who like a fast life, who would like to take the trip just to make one more name in your conquered list. But for everyone else, you should experience it at least once. For it is not a journey, it is an experience.

Kailas expedition is not that gruesome contrary to popular beliefs. It’s not easy either. First thing you have to get adjusted is with the altitude. If you can get used to the heights, if you can breathe normally in high altitude, then you are near to your destination. All the fifteen days you will be on move. Till China, roads are hopeless. But once you reach China, you can see concrete roads.  Next, you should be prepared enough to live in the same dress for 3-4 days, without taking bath, without having clean toilets. If you are lucky enough to get good roommates, you might be able to change.. at least your under garments. And then, almost the same food, rather same taste for every food, every day. And you can really complete the trip without having even a single piece of potato. They have other food too. For the Parikrama also, if you take a pony, you can easily complete the three days. The only problem will be a two km hike through Dolma pass, which will be covered with ice. Since ponies slip there, you will have to walk those two kms. If you have shoes with good grip, if your body gets adjusted to high altitude, then you can do it. The Parikrama path is not a narrow one now. It has been made wide by Chinese. Police would be patrolling every now and then, and if you fall sick also, you are absolutely safe.

So, my friends, if you would like to go to Kailas, don’t hesitate. You can do it. All you have to do is go for a brisk walk for one hour every day... at least for 3-4 months. Make your legs strong. And you are ready to go. Wait for my further whispers to pack your bag.....

Himalayan Whispers.........

 

"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves."    John Muir

I was deep in love with the Himalayas. I had always dreamt of going deeper, wandering through its mysterious valleys and peaks, listening to the whispering weeds, resting on its cozy lap, filling my heart and soul with its crisply chilled fresh air. I was absolutely hooked. I was feeling it inside out. Setting my small feet on the King of the mountains, looking up at Kailash, looking around for the thirty three crore plus gods became a passion. I waited.. waited apprehensively for the call.

And then the mountain beckoned. The impossibly far away Kailash opened its colossal doors for me. The mighty Himalayas smiled at me. My heart was dancing to the call. I was dying to go near and feel its gigantic strength.

There had been hurdles. Getting permission from family. Feminine issues. Health... Some of the first ones to overcome. But somehow once I booked my tickets, everyone wanted me to go. Then came the flood and we had to cancel all our tickets. I was heartbroken. What could we mortals do when nature plays? We are just helpless spectators.

But the call had already come. Who could defy the call of the Ultimate? If there are problems, there will naturally be solutions too. And I went... I knew that mountains were not what they seem from a distance. So far I had seen it only as paintings. But now, I was going to touch it... I was going to feel it... smell it.. listen to it.. My heart was dancing in ecstasy. I was in seventh heaven.

While packing, my mom gave me an old muffler. It was my dad’s, which he had used almost 45-50 years back. The moment I touched it, I could feel a strong arm protecting me. Confidence and courage were flowing from that muffler to my heart. I knew then for sure that I was going to make it without any hassle.

So off we went, with a heavy luggage and a light heart, to Delhi and from there to Kathmandu where we met our group. It was mostly a ladies gang. 40 ladies and four couples. From there a helicopter ride to Nepal-Tibet border. Elephantine Himalayas on both sides and you are floating along with the clouds in between. Where ever you look, you could see only the green mountains and cascading waterfalls covered with a slight mist. Rivers with crystal clear water flows down. I wanted to take a video, but the ladies sitting with me were against it. They had closed their eyes tightly shut and were chanting prayers. I was amused. I told them, “I don’t think our helicopter will crash here. We aren’t that virtuous for such a boon. We are not that lucky enough to die in such a heavenly place... if it happens in the midst of this mountains, what else do we need? That’s the ultimate moksha...” There was a thrill in my voice. If looks could kill, I would have been dead at that instant. Yes, more than friends, I think I'd be picking up enemies.

Crossing the border, travelling in Tibet was a marvellous experience. The Tibetan plateaus had an aura of mysticism all around. As we went further and further, all we could see around us were mountains and clouds. Thick clouds in many shapes and sizes. There appeared in front of us an Om on the blue sky which was clearly visible to everyone. It was like someone had written it there with a white marker. Then we saw the shape of Hanuman with mrithasanjeevini on his hands. We could clearly see the shape of Ganesha writing in a book. There appeared a Shiva linga and a serpant. It could be hallucinations. It could be the mind’s way of tricking people. But in the same way for everyone in a group? I don’t know. There aren’t any explanations. When we sat on the banks of Brahmaputra (Tsangpo in Tibet), having our lunch there, we were wondering if this was the spot where Shiva used to play with his friends. Was I really touching the offspring of the great Brahma?

A circumambulation of the pious Manasarovar in the bus was unsatisfactory. It was just a two hour tour. What I longed for was a walk around the river... To see if Parvathy still came for her holy dip... To watch the gunas and apsaras coming for a bath...  But a dip in the holy water cleared all the thoughts and worries. It was freezing cold, but the feeling was ambrosial. It imparts a kick which no other drugs can give. It was here, in Manasarovar, that if you are lucky enough, you will get the first view of Mount Kailash. While we were having our dip, the whole area was covered in mist. While completing the circumambulation, suddenly the driver showed us a wonderful sight. Amongst the mountains in front of us, one particular mountain was shining beautifully in silver. Yes... our first view of Kailash... Eyes filled with tears of joy, heart filled with love, we could just watch it in awe with dim eyes and overflowing heart. In spite of the biting cold, my body was scorching hot. By now, goosebumps had risen all over my body. Somewhere in my previous birth, I might have done something good to behold such a wonderful sight. Night stay at Manasarovar was an experience. My friends woke up at 12 to see stars taking their dip. The Sherpas had told us that we could see the stars taking bath in the river. Most of us were awake to see the sight and they claimed to have seen almost 12 stars falling into the water and going back to the sky. Well, I missed the sight. Of all the nights, that night I surrendered myself to a deep peaceful sleep.

Kailash Parikrama was an experience. I wanted to walk through the mountains. I didn’t want to take a horse. Walking along the mountains, you will feel that you are all alone in this world. But Kailash towers protectively on your right, warding off all your worries and fears. What is there to be scared of when He himself is standing just next to you? After a long trek, when I hit the bed tiredly, I heard a loud cheer from outside. People were asking everyone to come out to see another miracle. There, in the snowclad Kailash, the snow had fallen in such a way that when you look from down, you could see the form of Sirdhi Saibaba sitting and having a chat with a man standing nearby holding a Trishul in his hands. Who else, but the lord of the mountains!!!! What a divine site...  Again, maybe the hallucinations of the mind... But, all at once for everyone? I don’t know.................

While coming back, we all were in a trance. We couldn’t believe that we were trekking to the middle of the world. We couldn’t believe that we really did it... It was really a once in a lifetime experience, in one of the most beautiful spots of both the real and mythological world, expunging away all the worries and tensions, sucking in all the freshness, and a new life. There is a saying, “When you fall in love with the mountains, they keep calling you again and again.” Absolutely. Once you have lived with them for any length of time, you belong to them. There is no escape................................