I am back on board. Had been roaming around with my
new found freedom and confidence. There was no looking back. But suddenly, I felt
a tug. Something was wrenching me backwards. Should I go back? Or should I keep
on moving forward? The fire in my belly was too much...
I have been trying
to conquer all my fears in the last few years of my life. I had been labelled by my family as someone who was
afraid of no one. Yes, true. I have never been scared of any human being. And
that had earned me the nickname, The Rock-Hearted. But deep in my mind, I had
unrevealed fears. Fears which I had never let anyone see. Fears which I took
great pains to camouflage under a thick wrap.
The first time I knew what real fear was when I was
just 10 years old. I had been getting slowly imported to the alluring world of
books. I had begun to live in my own fantasy world of 'Chandamama'. My palace was at times under
the sea or above the clouds. My handsome
prince used to come either on a white horse or riding a chariot. I was enveloped
by fairies and wizards. Even the littlest wish was executed. Life was
beautiful. And so were the people around me. It was then that I got hold of an
abridged version of Bram Stoker's
'Dracula'. I was totally mesmerised by the Count, I strolled in the Carpathian
mountains, I shifted my home to Transylvania .
I was in a trance. Leafing through until the last page, everything was
enchanting till night. Living in a house near a railway track, the blaring yell
of a passing train made me jump from my sleep. When I opened my eyes, all I could
see were some moving silhouettes outside the window. The curtains were dancing
furiously as though somebody was venting all of his anger on it. I was sleeping
near my grandma. I couldn't lift a finger to call her. My body became
completely numb. My hands were frozen, and I was sweating profusely. I tried to
open my mouth, but my lips were glued tightly. I was shivering like a leaf in a
storm. I couldn't sleep. I was not able to close my eyes, nor was I able to
look outside the window. That terrible night!!!.... But for the next night, I
was ready. I filched my mother's hairpins, and
checked with my pencil box's magnet that it was made of iron. I took two each and made crosses. I
made crosses with a broom stick too, and placed it all under my pillow. Yes, I
was all set to confront my dracula. Iron and cross.. Now nothing could harm me.
I slept peacefully that night. But the commotion made by my staunch
conservative Hindu grandma after seeing those many crosses under the
pillow.......................
I had this fear of standing in a crowd. A crowd always
made me panic. I used to be really uncomfortable. I was not sure what to talk
to others. I felt that people were judging me... felt that they were looking at
my round face, round nose, round body.. I thought that they were criticising my
appearance. I was scared to talk to a crowd. I became self-conscious. Slowly I
retreated to myself. I made my own cocoon and was comfortable inside the shield.
I was happy with myself. I used to curl up in my swing cot with a book in my
hand. I never bothered to come down and meet visitors at home. Even to
relatives I became a stranger. Because of this fear, I was not ready to do
things that I loved to do. What if people will gather and look at me with those
criticising eyes? Little did I know that those so called people had so much
other things to do than waste their time on criticising me. But I wasted my
childhood with this fear in mind. I knew I should change. I knew I should come
out. And I did.. after a very long time... I had to have a long fight with
myself to get rid of this affliction.
Water was another thing which gave me a cold feet. As
a child, I was lovingly offered swimming lessons from two of my sweet aunts..
one from my mom's side, and one from my dad's side. And both of them literally
put me inside the pond. That was it.. Water and me became lifelong enemies. We
couldnt bear to see each other face to face. I was scared even to stand under
the shower. The water from the shower directly on my face suffocated me. Only
rains could soothe me. Those little droplets cooled my inner fire. It was then
I got a friend from Iran
The next thing that made me shiver was driving. Even
though I had my driving license, I was scared to touch the steering. I could
never get the ABC co-ordination into my brain. I used accelerator instead of
clutch and clutch instead of brakes. And to top the cake, there was this gear
changing too... I used to dream of driving on busy roads, but it remained just
a dream. One day, my mom's friend's son, who was then six foot two inches
offered me to teach how to drive without fear. I sat in the driver's seat, and
gripped the steering. He was on the passenger seat, with his long legs
stretched towards my side on the clutch and brake. And we took off... We drove
in and around Thrissur, through all those busy roads, and overtook my
driving master who was having his next batch of students. He proudly showed me
to them.. "See, I taught her driving. How confidently she drives now...
" If ever he found out that only the hands on the steering were mine, and
the rest of the control was being done by my tall friend, he would have got an
immediate cardiac arrest....
And thus, my driving continues. My drive to crush and
trash my apprehensions. My drive to gain more confidence. I know I am braver
than I believe, stronger than I seem, and smarter than I think......................................
