Unwinding Whispers...

It’s such a long long time... and I sit, shelving my tumbling thoughts, tossing away the unwanted, nurturing the sweet ones, and staring at the blank screen of my laptop, waiting... waiting for words to gush out. My ink had been on strike.  Words were flying afar. Thoughts were beginning to crash. Mind had become standstill. I was worn out… the aftermath of a hard labour. I know not from where to start... what to write… After the new birth, how can I be my old self? There were some realisations and some confusion… I had lost some things… but gained some others.

 

Often I am stumped with something I wish to write. It is not that words don’t come to me. They do. It is not that the muse never drops in on me. She does.  They come uninviting, looking coyly at me, footing themselves at an arm’s reach… I can see them. But I am powerless to feel and fondle them. They are a bit timid to come near me. Like the cup of coffee that is still to reach the lips… Like the book that is yet to finish… Like an unfinished conversation... Like an incomplete mating…. The pangs become agonising.

 

I want to be that young girl again. That little girl, who was shy to talk, but always eager to smile. That girl, who was waiting to be accepted, but scared to come out of her chrysalis. The one who always wandered dreamily with a book in her hand. That little one who was so eager to do many things, but was afraid to open her mouth. The one, in spite of her inner fears, pretended that she was bold. Strong. Stubborn.  I want to go back, and start living again. I want to do those things which I had kept aside so that I didn’t have to open my mouth to ask for it.... The things which I had suppressed so that I will not hurt my dears and nears...

 

I have to get up. I have to start living my life. I am going to make a wish list... the things to do and experience before I leave this earth. Why should I be imprisoned by my circumstances and let it affect my life? I am not going to let any situation  decide who I am going to be! I am not going to be limited by what others have said about me or what is expected of me.

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I am going to live honestly in the present moment, bravely facing what lies ahead, complete with new understanding of what lies behind me, though no longer subject to the past. I am going to become all that I am meant to be...